literature

Shantae and the Weight of Gold Chapter 4

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Shantae got home and plopped herself on her bed.  It was a long day and she needed some rest.  She slipped on her nightgown and noticed that she needed to tug a bit more then normal.  
“Ugh, what gives?  Did this shrink in the wash or something?”  With a bit more exertion, she finally got it down.  But not before making a huge tearing on the bottom.  Her tan flesh oozing out slightly.  “Oh come on, I just had these dried cleaned.  Shantae huffed while popping on her bed.  The bed creaked a little under her new weight.  She then laid back and attempted to go to sleep.  Right as she was about to drift off, there was a knock at her door.  She got up and answered it, only for a large, bulbous belly to smack her in the face, which pushed her back two feet.  “Am I ever gonna get a break today?”  Shantae asked no one as more of the odd mass started to press itself into her house, the rim of the door cracking.  Once more of the odd matter was inside, Shatae started to put the pieces together in her head.  It was a gut, and a huge one at that.  Shantae tried to push the belly back as best she could.  But she found herself quickly becoming overcome by the mound of flesh.  There was some mumbling from the other side of the door, but Shantae couldn’t tell who or what the sound was coming from.  A clue was the flabby arm which had squeezed through.  “Oh no, it can’t be.  It really can’t be.”  Shantae’s jaw dropped as a now massively obese Risky Boots was now standing in her now comparably smaller hut.  The once trim pirate captain was now an almost blob of a woman.  Her belly alone was touching the floor.
“Hey, we need to talk.” Said Risky in a husky tone.  
“So you finally admit that you have a weight problem?”  Shantae crossed her arms. “Urrrppp, listen.  My ship is no longer a worthy vessel for me.  I’m gonna need you to make me a new one.”
She outgrew her ship didn’t she?  It doesn’t look like she’s going to move around much.  Maybe I can have her give me that statue so I can figure out where it came from.  I can go to the library in the morning and get more information.  “You know Risky?  You’ve convinced me, can I see that grand statue of yours now?”  Shantae still wasn't sure how she was going to negate the effects of the statue onto herself.  But figured that it would be better than for all of Scuttle Town to be consumed by Risky’s growing butt.
“Heh, I knew you’d see things my way eventually.  Only problem is I forgot where I put it.”  Shantae saw something shiny sticking out of one of Risky’s belly folds.  She reluctantly reached in and pulled out the Jebdu statue.
Never again. Shantae shivered.  At least I don’t have to worry about her causing any trouble.  I doubt she’s gonna do much of anything in this state.  “Saw I know this is gonna sound completely out of the blue, but why don’t you spend the night here?  I mean if your ship can’t fit, I mean, isn’t up to par, then you have no other place to go otherwise.”  She didn't get a response.  The sound of snoring could be heard as Shantae realized that Risky was fast asleep.  “Well that was easier than expected.” She took the statue and placed it on her front table so that she wouldn't lose it.  Right as she was about to plop into her own bed, she noticed that she couldn’t find her bed.  Oh don’t tell me, there’s no way.  Unfortunately it did seem true.  Risky’s vast stomach had overlapped her bed.  With no other option, she decided to bite the bullet and hopped right onto the pirate’s gut.  She sighed a bit of relief.  At least she’s comfortable.
The next morning started off the same as the previous.  Though today Shantae was feeling quite sluggish.  She opened her eyes and saw that Risky was still in a deep sleep.  When she looked down at herself however, her eyes quickly widened.  There was a tan mass staring back at her, of course she knew that it was her belly which had grown the night before.  She patted it a bit and noticed how much it sank in.  I gotta take care of thing fast.  If I don’t I’m gonna wind up bigger then Scuttle Town.  Knowing that the library would have the answers she was looking for, Shantae left Risky at home and headed for Sky’s home while readjusting her pants.
Walking wasn't as swift as it used to be for the genie girl.  Shantae found herself getting winded while some sweat had formed on her forehead.  Worse yet, she didn’t have a thing to eat that day yet and the only way to get to Sky’s was through the marketplace.  She knew that there was no way she would get to Sky’s without indulging in some Scuttle Town delicacies.  The smell of fresh bread was already making her mouth starting to water.  She tried her best to stay focused, ignoring the many baked goods and meals  that caught her eyes.  From cookies to steaks, as if there were some kind of food festival this day. That’s when Shantae looked up and saw a banner for the annual Scuttle Town Food festival.  You gotta be kidding me.
One booth that caught Shantae's eyes immediately was a booth selling muffins.  She walked over to it and was greeted by the most passionate muffin salesman she ever met.  The portly man sported a jolly smile as he pulled out a fresh batch from the oven.  Looking at the muffins, Shatae saw them not as muffins, but as large nuggets of gold.  “Ah I see you have an interest in my muffins yes?”  The kind baker asked.  “Well since you’re the first one to do so.  Why don’t you have one for free?”  Holding the treat in front of Shantae’s face, like one would a dog in a similar fashion.  Shantae for a second forgot all about the Jebdu state and Risky and wanted nothing more than to take a huge bite out of that muffin.  Perhaps she would buy a few as well.    
“It is quite good looking, but I...” Shantae was trying her best not give into temptation.  Though it was free and being offered to her so it would probably be rude not to take it.  She held the pastry in her hands, it was a bit bigger than it originally looked.  ”There is something oddly irresistible about it.  Oh screw it, one muffin isn't gonna make me as huge as Risky.”  Taking the promised huge bite, Shantae’s face lit up with glee.  “I’ll take a box of six please!”  
“I can’t believe you bought all those.”
“I can.  Did you see how badly she demolished those apps yesterday?”
“Not now Bolo.”  Whipped Sky.  The three friends continued their trek to the library, which only a few minutes away.  Though despite only traveling a mile or so, Shantae was already feeling the burn, and it wasn't due to the oddly warm day.  Beads of sweat were trickling down her flesh like rain drops.  She fanned herself despite knowing how ineffective it was.
“Aww geez, can we take a break?  I’m getting exhausted.”
“Shantae you can’t be serious.  We’ve only been walking for twenty minutes.”
“It is pretty hot out.”  Added Bolo.
“Come on you two, it isn’t that much further away.”  Sky rolled her eyes.  She knew she was right, and to her credit the library was within viewing distance.  The inside of the old library was just as barren as usual.  A breeze blew through the ill repaired windows, dust littered many of the tables, and the only occupants were the elderly who had nothing better to do and the occasional bum.  At the front desk sat a small older women with thick reading glasses, who was enjoying a romance novel.  
“Oh Duke Kingshine, you can take me away on your golden stallion anyday.”  As the three friends approached the front desk, the liberian jumped at what she thought was a tan blob about to consume her.  “Ahhh!  Run for the hills!  The cursed blob of Molddeviation, it will consume us all.”  She hollered, the elderly in particular seem extra distressed.
I didn’t get that chubby did I?  Shantae blushed from genuine embarrassment.
“Relax, it’s just good ol’, slightly pudgier Shantae, still the protector of Scuttle town.  And friends.”  Sky added.
“We’re here to ask if you have any books on a goddess known as Jebdu.  It’s fairly important that we get it as soon as possible.”  Shantae stated with a bit of muffin in her mouth.
“Jebdu ey?  I thought the only person who still worshiped her was that weirdo who always hogs the bathroom.  Well as you might expect there isn’t much text on Jebdu herself, though I think there is one book in particular that may have the information you need.  There is a catch however.”
“What is it?  Are the pages missing?”
“Does someone have it overdue?”
“Please tell me no one got peanut butter on the pages.”
“Oh no no, the book is here in perfect condition.  The only downside is that the book is located...in the basement!”  A lightning bolt struck as a loud clap of thunder boomed outside.  
“It was still sunny out when we came in here.”
“A basement?  That’s all?  We’ll have that book up here in no time!”  Shantae stated heroically while placing her fists on her hips, which sank considerably into her hips.  The sooner the better.  
“It’s your funeral.”  Slowly walking to a door in the floor, the liberian slowly creaked the door open with much difficulty.  The distinct smell of old dust filled the air along with the normal, not as old dust.
“Here goes nothing.”  The trio descended the old stone staircase cautiously, at the bottom, they could see ancient carvings adorned all over the walls.  Grabbing on a conveniently placed torch, the friends traveled down the pitch black corridor, the only sounds heard was the echoing of their footsteps, and the crackling of the torch.
“Man wouldn’t it suck if there was like a huge spider guarding the book?”  Sky jabbed Bolo in the arm, causing him to almost drop the torch.  
“Cut it out Bolo.”
“It was just a joke.”  The trio walked down further and further, it seemed like the tunnel would never end.  Perhaps there was no book at the other end, and the liberian actually doomed them to an eternity of walking.  This was bad news for Shantae, who despite no longer being in the sun was still building up a sweat.
“Ugh, that’s what muffins are for.”  Shantae took one of the doughy treats and took a small bite out of it.
“If you’re not careful, you’re gonna wind up turning into a muffin.  Look you’re belly is already starting.”  Shantae glanced an eye down at her tan gut and gasped at the sight of soft flesh bubbling over the trim of her pants.  Her belly now bobbled with every slight motion she made.
“Crap!  I’m gonna be a bigger butterball then Risky!  Come on, let’s get going!”  Shantae ran ahead of Sky and Bolo, her butt wobbled a bit as her figure disappeared into the darkness.
“Shantae wait!  We have no idea where we’re going!”  Sky and Bolo ran ahead in order to catch up with their plump friend.  Soon the two came to a fork in the path, with no indication of which way Shantae ran.  “ugh, this is hopeless, we’re never gonna find out where she went.”  looking down at the ground, Bolo spotted something that may  aid them.  
“Hmm, I think this muffin crumb might prove useful.”  Running through the right path, the wall around the two seemed to be growing closer together.  The tunnel felt like it would never stop closing in.  “Hey, I think I see something up ahead.”  To the pair’s luck, the pudgy frame of Shantae was currently wedged into the path in front of them.  She looked like she would have been stuck there if they hadn't arrived.  
“Ah, stupid tunnel, I’ll get out of here soon enough, let me just…”
“Shantae.”  The half genie girl yelled in fright.
“Oh it’s just you guys.  Don’t worry about me, I can get out of this no prob.”  Shantae wiggled her body, though it didn’t seem to do much to get her out.  
“No embarrassment comes from asking for help genie girl.”  Sky and Bolo pushed on Shantae’s back, and with a bit of extra budging, managed to pop her out to the other side.  The friends now found themselves in a large, circular room, there were a few torches set up around the ceiling, a small set of steps lead to a pedestal which contained a golden book.
“That’s it!  Come on you two!”  Shantae ran ahead before immediately stopping in place, something on the ceiling made her freeze.  She could feel her skin crawling at the sight of a giant spider sleeping in a huge spider web above the book.  
“Told ya it was spiders.”  Bolo whispered.
“If we remain calm and not made a sound, we can get the book and deck out of here.”
“Uuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrpppppppppppp!”  Shantae’s bleach echoed through the chamber.  the giant spider’s many eyes opened, it hissed at the trio as it descended downward.
“Figures right?”
Here's the long awaited follow up to a thing I worked on a few months back.  Never got back to it due to work and commissions, but now that I'm a bit more free I'd like to continue.  Please comment and enjoy.

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praedatorius's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

I notice two things immediately. First, the author dedicates this chapter to only a few characters. Second, the characters are distinct from one another. Both of these help the reader keep track of the story very well. The author's lighthearted tone and humor also come through very well. Characters aren't just cracking jokes: their situation is humorous as well.

What I also noticed is some very rough grammar and formatting. Sometimes the author uses "then" when he should use "than". Incomplete sentences also pop up from time to time, and it's difficult to know which character is talking at times because there's no indication of who says what . When a different character starts speaking, the author should start a new line. This is a visual indication that someone new is speaking and without it the text can feel cumbersome.

I feel intrigued by the story. Even though I haven't read all of the previous chapters, the story is easy to follow. Anyone who hadn't read any of the previous chapters would have no problem understanding what is going on, and this is a difficult thing to do.

Entertaining and humorous, Shantae and the Eight of Gold , Chapter 4, is a worthwhile read.